Official PhD Application Policy
1. The "Surprise Me" Deadline Policy
We believe that true scholars thrive under pressure. Therefore, we proudly announce that we will not announce any deadlines, except the vague notion that "the program has induction in spring." A deliverance of mis-information and incomplete instruction will support the element of surprise and may be adjusted according to nepotistic persuasion of those involved. Deadlines are a mystery, just like the universe you'll be researching.2. The Enigmatic Process Principle
Why spoil the thrill of discovery by explaining the application process? Instead, embrace the academic journey by guessing, assuming, and hoping for the best. If you're resourceful enough to figure it out, you're clearly PhD material.3. The Last-Minute Scramble Tradition
Applications are a delicacy best enjoyed stale. We will ensure your carefully crafted materials remain untouched until the week before induction. Because nothing says "academic rigor" like a frantic, coffee-fuelled reading spree complimented with a healthy dose of vaguisms, and a complete lack of engagement to inform candidates of progression towards enrolment.4. The Vanishing Reviewer Clause
Should you dare inquire about the status of your application, be prepared for our month-long disappearing act. Upon return, we will skillfully redirect any blame to you for being "late." Remember, punctuality is a one-way street. Disclaimer: Any attempt to follow up, seek clarity, or expect logical responses will be considered an act of academic rebellion and handled accordingly.Thank you for applying to Perfunctory University, where lethargy is not just a concept—it's a way of life.
Essential Guide for New Students
Welcome, PhD Scholar! Congratulations on joining an institution where ambiguity isn't a hurdle but an academic tradition. To help you navigate the treacherous waters of research, we've crafted this definitive (but not necessarily helpful) guide.1. The Loophole Strategy: Mastering Mediocrity Groundbreaking research is overrated and, frankly, disruptive. Our advice? Aim for the delicate art of "almost original." Just enough novelty to avoid accusations of plagiarism, but not so much that you risk recognition, accolades, or (heaven forbid) controversy (see point 3). Remember, minor splashes of originality are safer and easier to ignore. You still get the title you are paying for.
2. Align with Apathy: When selecting a research topic, ask yourself, "Does this align with the university's commitment to sameness and blandness?" If the answer is "yes," you're on the right track. Avoid anything too factual, groundbreaking, or that challenges the status quo. The aim is to blend in, not stand out. Think of your research as an academic wallpaper—pleasantly forgettable.
3. Controversy? Not Here, Thank You! While the truth is important (in theory), it’s best not to let inconvenient facts get in the way of a good, non-contentious thesis. If your research risks contradicting national or international rhetoric ,or challenging the opinions of the academic flock, reconsider. Being a trailblazer sounds fun until you're chased off campus by metaphorical pitchforks. See our suggested topics* list to restrain creativity truth-seeking and to encourage conformity.
4. Embrace the Herd: If you find yourself questioning the mainstream academic narrative, suppress those rebellious instincts. Remember, the safest path is to follow the flock. Sheep may not be pioneers, but they rarely face administrative scrutiny. We aim skim the bar and focus on ‘just enough’ at all times. You too, can remain ‘one of us’ by adopting this strategy.
5. The Art of Perfunctory Excellence: Strive to excel in a way that's just good enough. Impress with style, not substance. Polished presentation and academic jargon will distract from the absence of groundbreaking ideas. If anyone looks too closely, simply point to your bibliography and mutter something about "post-structuralist frameworks." Final Thoughts Here at PU, we encourage you to embrace the beautiful art of doing just enough to pass unnoticed. Avoid excellence, dodge dissension and remember: the less impact your research has, the smoother your academic journey will be. Welcome to the flock, and may your academic journey be comfortably underwhelming.
Topics for Safe, Unoriginal PhD Proposals
(Perfect for blending in and avoiding the inconvenience of controversy!)- The Impact of Social Media on Social Media: An introspective, circular discussion that questions nothing and changes less.
- Recycling in the Age of Recycling: Explore how recycling can be recycled—literally and metaphorically.
- The Marginalisation of Marginalised Discourses in Marginal Spaces: A thesis where the title does all the heavy lifting. *note
- Examining Identity Through the Lens of Examining Identity: A deep dive that doesn’t dive too deep but sounds profound enough to avoid scrutiny.
- Representation of Minorities in Media That Represent Minorities: A safe bet for appearing progressive while saying absolutely nothing new.
- The Climate of Climate Change Discussions: Focus on how people talk about climate change, without venturing into actionable solutions.
- Exploring Inclusivity Through Exclusive Academic Jargon: A clever way to sound inclusive while remaining inaccessible to anyone outside academia.
- The Intersectionality of Intersectional Intersections: Perfectly ambiguous, layered, and circular. Bonus points for saying "intersection" as much as possible.
- Deconstructing the Concept of Deconstruction: Ideal for avoiding actual conclusions but demonstrating a deep understanding of confusing terminology
- The Influence of Influencers on Influencing the Influential: Basically an Instagram thesis but with longer words.
For more information visit our website or contact the University PhD Programme at phd@Perfunctory.University Let’s get you started on the never-ending process for further study!